Posted 8:31 PM by Michelle
Yeah, so, it's worse than I thought. I have to have surgery. I missed work today, and will again several times next week, and when I go to work (or really, even just stand up) it hurts.

The bright side: I have my family, and I have health insurance.

Posted 7:29 PM by Michelle
Once upon a time I had no idea what a hemorrhoid was. I certainly had never heard of a thrombosed external hemorrhoid. And now, twice in my long, blessed life, I've had a first-hand lesson on literal pains in the ass. I woke up this morning with a terrible but familiar pain in one of those regions you generally like to ignore. I worked all day and then rather than meeting my friends for a drink, I headed over to the local ER. I waited for two hours, during which I finished a book and fell fast asleep, and then stumbled over to the reception desk to try to get an idea how many people were in front of me. Seven. The nurse said it could be several hours.

So I came on home. I called into work and said I wouldn't be there tomorrow, because now I remember what happened last time. I don't want to give you too many gory details but it involved lying on my side, naked, with my butt in the faces of people holding scalpels and needles, both of which found their way into my bum. And... well... they have to drain it... and then sew it up... and it has to heal... and oh, boy, am I looking forward to my day at the hospital!

The last thing I can afford is missing a day at work, particularly a Saturday. But I don't really have much choice. Geeze. I'd even rather go to the dentist.

Posted 8:52 PM by Michelle
I went to a particularly stunning yoga class today. I was really committed to being there, really committed to the practice, really mindful of every movement of every cell of my body. At the end of class, we always bow down and salute each other, and the world- "Namaste!" and I always take a moment right then to be thankful. And my god, I don't know that I've ever been more thankful in my life. Not the obvious stuff: family, friends, roof, bike(s), big new jug of Poland Spring water, Spring, veggie burgers. But rather the stuff that makes me suffer right now: knowledge, awareness, thought, compassion. This war may drag on. It could be months, maybe even years... I mean, how many troops do we still have in Afghanistan? Who has the contracts to rebuild what we've destroyed there? Who is going to tell me that the warring tribes aren't celebrating the demise of the Taliban so they can control the country? How often do we still hear about it? And whatever happened to our fall guy, good 'ol OBL?

But I am thankful that I care, that I know, and that there is a network of people across this country who care and know, too, and who will question every word in the NY Times, because there is no cause to believe anything they write. I am thankful that my head isn't stuck up the proverbial musical theatre ass it was during 1994 when I probably couldn't even define "genocide" let alone be aware that something kinda ugly was happening in Rwanda. I feel empowered by my sick stomach, enlightened by my disgust because at least I am feeling SOMETHING. My hatred of Bush is, sadly, fuel for some of my life right now. But at least I have fuel.

Others around me are feeling the same sort of paralysis, though. So many of us, after being stuck to the TV or news sources on our computers have now turned it off and don't really want to hear about it. I haven't read the paper in two days. When I scan the front page of the NY Times on the web, all I see is "Blah blah we did this blah blah they are bad blah blah they killed these blah blah Bush says something totally inane and wrong blah blah blah" and I just can't take it anymore. After 9/11, they warned us that we would not be given very much information on the "war on terror". "They" were right. We have no idea what is really going on.

On the home front, my new bike (the newer new bike, she's no elf but her name is Sirrus) and I rode from Union Square in Manhattan, down Broadway, across Canal and onto the Manhattan Bridge. We then looped up Flatbush, which amazingly enough wasn't the most terrifying ride of my life, and made it home in less than forty-five minutes. This was the first time I've done that ride, first time since I moved to Brooklyn, and it was so simple (and the ride over the bridge so beautiful) that I am going to attempt the reverse when I leave for work in the morning. It's the end of my weekend and I got exactly no writing done on my two days off... and really, there's nothing good I can say about that.

Two things: last Sunday, a guest at my restaurant refused a free glass of Billecart champagne because it was French. Last week, someone went to a French restaurant and asked to not have a French waiter. Here's what I have to say to you two people: get the hell out of America. Or pick up a book once in a while. Or, better yet, and harder still: think for yourself for a nanosecond. It'll change your life.

Posted 8:01 AM by Michelle
Sweet, small buds on the tree just outside my window this morning. It's hard to believe that last winter might possibly be over. The buds are rust-colored- I wonder what kind of tree it is. It is as tall as my building, so perhaps it has seen half the life that has lived here since 1883. I would love to find a picture of my street from the turn of the century before last, and I would love to know what family lived here first. I wonder if their relatives are still around.

I cannot speak of the war today, just today, since I think of nothing else.

I am on my way into the city to buy a new bike. A new, cheap, hybrid that I can lock in front of my restaurant so I can ride into the city again. My old, beaten up Trek has served me well since 1995, but it is time, quite literally, to put it out to pasture at Ian and Tessa's farm. There it can live the remainder of its days, cruising past farmhouses and cows, basking in the clean air. That Trek has seen Chicago, Kansas City, Hollywood, New Jersey, New York City, Boston, and the 350 miles between the last two cities on last year's AIDSRide. It will always be my mother ship. But the gears are far from what they used to be, and believe it or no, there are plenty of hills right here in New York. So away she goes to greener pastures.

My new bike will probably be a Specialized Sirrus hybrid. I spent an hour or two at Bicycle Habitat, down in SoHo, told them my price range (very little) and what I wanted (something that won't get stolen) and of course they laughed, but understood that I had to give it a shot. So I rode several bikes, and finally the owner said he thought they had last year's model in a really nice hybrid somewhere in the basement, and that it was an extra small (yes, that is how short I am). And he said he'd give me a deal on it, and after surfing the internet on the model he's offering, I have to say he's right. They built it last night, so I will go ride it today, and possibly bring it home.

Beyond that, my mom is in town, and even better than that (or at least tied in the running), it's the beginning of my weekend. I think I'll head out and combine the two joys of today.