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Saturday, September 20, 2003
I'm up later than you. And you, and you, and you. Ya'll are wussies. Here I am, up at 5:20. posting a blog.
I can't describe how strange my new job is. My manager gets so drunk by the end of the shift... so drunk that this time she ended up wearing some guy's kilt (and he in her jeans) and then she accidentally ripped another guy's shirt to shreds (him in the backround, not remotely happy, "This was my favorite shirt. I'm not kidding."). And then she had to literally push the kilt guy out of the cab because she was going home to her husband. That girl draws a crowd. She is a master of what she does.
Me? Well, I hang out in the backround, finding the occasional really cool person to talk to. I know I'm not nearly wild enough. I can't pretend.
NEWSFLASH... pretty sure I forgot to mention... MY CERVIX IS HEALTHY!!!! False alarm. Biopsy came back completely normal. The Peace Corps is suddenly an option again. I mentioned that the sickness of my innards was confusing to me because I believe most of that is psychosomatic. My three bad paps happened in late August, when I was miserable, foolishly, uselessly miserable, and since I've come to my senses, my cervix is suddenly healthy. I'm just sayin'. A friend asked me tonight at dinner if I felt heavy or light, and I said, light, light, light. My body is so exhausted that my mind is allowed to fly. I've jumped off the deep end and found the water to be sweet.
I had yet another failed "meeting" of a man. I'll put it simply. I was trying to explain my brother Kent's idea of "doing it wrong differently" and the guy was all, "Yeah, like, be an individual, don't do it like other people are doing it, be yourself, like, yeah, wow!" And I tried to explain that no, it's not about anyone else, it's about you, and how if what you are doing feels sucky you should try it another way even if you don't know it's right and this guy said, "Yeah, you know, just be yourself, blah blah blah" ugh. No thank you.
I can't describe how strange my new job is. My manager gets so drunk by the end of the shift... so drunk that this time she ended up wearing some guy's kilt (and he in her jeans) and then she accidentally ripped another guy's shirt to shreds (him in the backround, not remotely happy, "This was my favorite shirt. I'm not kidding."). And then she had to literally push the kilt guy out of the cab because she was going home to her husband. That girl draws a crowd. She is a master of what she does.
Me? Well, I hang out in the backround, finding the occasional really cool person to talk to. I know I'm not nearly wild enough. I can't pretend.
NEWSFLASH... pretty sure I forgot to mention... MY CERVIX IS HEALTHY!!!! False alarm. Biopsy came back completely normal. The Peace Corps is suddenly an option again. I mentioned that the sickness of my innards was confusing to me because I believe most of that is psychosomatic. My three bad paps happened in late August, when I was miserable, foolishly, uselessly miserable, and since I've come to my senses, my cervix is suddenly healthy. I'm just sayin'. A friend asked me tonight at dinner if I felt heavy or light, and I said, light, light, light. My body is so exhausted that my mind is allowed to fly. I've jumped off the deep end and found the water to be sweet.
I had yet another failed "meeting" of a man. I'll put it simply. I was trying to explain my brother Kent's idea of "doing it wrong differently" and the guy was all, "Yeah, like, be an individual, don't do it like other people are doing it, be yourself, like, yeah, wow!" And I tried to explain that no, it's not about anyone else, it's about you, and how if what you are doing feels sucky you should try it another way even if you don't know it's right and this guy said, "Yeah, you know, just be yourself, blah blah blah" ugh. No thank you.
Wednesday, September 17, 2003
Last night I got two marriage proposals, one invitation to dinner and one invitation for champagne as soon as my shift was over. Welcome to my new world.
I trained for my new job last night. The shift started at 8 PM and I didn't get home until 5:15 AM because the woman training me was so drunk by the end of the night she couldn't figure out how to do the money. And she's worked there for seven years.
I don't know how long I will hack this drunken environment that feeds on other peoples' lonliness. This bar has theories just as my fine dining restaurant did. All of them are designed to create regulars, to create a community, but they are also crafted so we take in as much money as possible. My new bar will be the sixth in the chain, and everyone competes for sales. It's a whole new world to me, and I'm going to try my best for as long as I can. I was wildly sucessful last night, but little slices of my soul were spilling on the floor with the shots I was pretending to drink. In the end, it's no different than the schmooze I used to do at my restaurant, it just manifests in a different way. The key is money: if I can make lots more money in less time, I'll do it for as long as I can.
Today is my only day off this week. I'm starting my day at 1:30 in the afternoon. Going for a run and then I have a date with my computer and my novel. And then, meeting someone for coffee. What do I want to do? Go back to bed.
I trained for my new job last night. The shift started at 8 PM and I didn't get home until 5:15 AM because the woman training me was so drunk by the end of the night she couldn't figure out how to do the money. And she's worked there for seven years.
I don't know how long I will hack this drunken environment that feeds on other peoples' lonliness. This bar has theories just as my fine dining restaurant did. All of them are designed to create regulars, to create a community, but they are also crafted so we take in as much money as possible. My new bar will be the sixth in the chain, and everyone competes for sales. It's a whole new world to me, and I'm going to try my best for as long as I can. I was wildly sucessful last night, but little slices of my soul were spilling on the floor with the shots I was pretending to drink. In the end, it's no different than the schmooze I used to do at my restaurant, it just manifests in a different way. The key is money: if I can make lots more money in less time, I'll do it for as long as I can.
Today is my only day off this week. I'm starting my day at 1:30 in the afternoon. Going for a run and then I have a date with my computer and my novel. And then, meeting someone for coffee. What do I want to do? Go back to bed.
Tuesday, September 16, 2003
From today's paper:
President Bush toured one of the nation's largest power plants today and hailed the sprawling complex here as a symbol of how the relaxation of clean air rules would boost the economy and protect the environment.
It goes on to say:
While Mr. Bush was greeting workers, environmentalists said the relaxation of clean air rules known as the new source review would allow this plant to increase emissions by more than 30,000 tons a year, a 56 percent increase over current levels.
It's not just that this man is stupid. It's that he thinks we're even stupider than he is. He says he's stimulating the economy by taking off the environmental restrictions to produce power in dirtier ways. He says we can produce more power now. I mean, do we need more power? Obviously we just had a blackout but that was a screw-up, not a general need for higher demand.
Also, apparently now that "open war is over", we are focusing on "rebuilding" Iraq and creating new jobs there. Gee, never mind that YET ANOTHER American was killed there yesterday. I mean, it's over, right? For all intents and purposes? Screw the kids left there. Let's tell the American public that it's all about rebuild, rebuild, and then because they are so STUPID they won't think about the kids being blown up by pipe bombs. Duh.
It's a truly stunning day, 72 degrees and soft sunshine, but my heart is black with hate for this moron we have in office, and filled with shame for all of us who allowed him to get there.
President Bush toured one of the nation's largest power plants today and hailed the sprawling complex here as a symbol of how the relaxation of clean air rules would boost the economy and protect the environment.
It goes on to say:
While Mr. Bush was greeting workers, environmentalists said the relaxation of clean air rules known as the new source review would allow this plant to increase emissions by more than 30,000 tons a year, a 56 percent increase over current levels.
It's not just that this man is stupid. It's that he thinks we're even stupider than he is. He says he's stimulating the economy by taking off the environmental restrictions to produce power in dirtier ways. He says we can produce more power now. I mean, do we need more power? Obviously we just had a blackout but that was a screw-up, not a general need for higher demand.
Also, apparently now that "open war is over", we are focusing on "rebuilding" Iraq and creating new jobs there. Gee, never mind that YET ANOTHER American was killed there yesterday. I mean, it's over, right? For all intents and purposes? Screw the kids left there. Let's tell the American public that it's all about rebuild, rebuild, and then because they are so STUPID they won't think about the kids being blown up by pipe bombs. Duh.
It's a truly stunning day, 72 degrees and soft sunshine, but my heart is black with hate for this moron we have in office, and filled with shame for all of us who allowed him to get there.
Monday, September 15, 2003
One saying is "God helps those who help themselves". Another, better one is "God sometimes does for you what you cannot do yourself". Of course, replace the "god" part with something more palatable and both ring true.
I had my last day at work, which I'll have to write about later, and then another meeting for my new job, and then tonight bartended the Celebrity 24-Hour Play. So much to write, but I have to be up at 8 to see my personal trainer (who I still can't afford but can't afford to not). I'm so, so thankful for the recent changes in my life, and haven't had time to be sad. I also haven't had time to write, the very thing I need to be doing, and I don't really have a day off until a week from today. I can't afford to lose momentum as I've already done here.
But for now, only sleep.
I had my last day at work, which I'll have to write about later, and then another meeting for my new job, and then tonight bartended the Celebrity 24-Hour Play. So much to write, but I have to be up at 8 to see my personal trainer (who I still can't afford but can't afford to not). I'm so, so thankful for the recent changes in my life, and haven't had time to be sad. I also haven't had time to write, the very thing I need to be doing, and I don't really have a day off until a week from today. I can't afford to lose momentum as I've already done here.
But for now, only sleep.