Posted 10:03 PM by Michelle
Later...

The very keys beckon me. They have the perfect amount of play. You don't have to hit them too hard but the *thwack* of each button, the appearance of each letter is infinitely satisfying. And it is almost as silent as the Prius at a stop sign.

My family did this for me. Mom, Sean, Ian, Tessa, Jordi, Steve, and Kent, I am dumbfounded and beyond thrilled. Thankyou thankyouthankyouthankyou a billion hundred grillion times over. I'll have you know that my current desktop will not remain for long, as it is rather distracting (Aragorn and his sword) and I intend to get a lot of work done on this terribly slick machine.

We are such gearheads in this family. Two iPods, two Tivos, my iMac, three sets of speakers, one full home stereo system- just a staggering amount of really cool electronics were opened this Christmas morn. At one point tonight there were no less than six laptops running on the dining room table, and that didn't count the three or four other fully functional computers lying about elsewhere. But Sean was almost as happy about his brand new measuring spoons than about his iPod. He also got those wacky noise cancelling earphones, and apparently they have a feature not mentioned on the packaging: they drastically improve one's perception of one's own voice while wearing them. Well, perhaps not, but we've been listening to Sean and Jordi sing at the top of their lungs (while also dancing, naturally) all night. Indeed, I know Jordi is still wearing them because I can hear her sweet voice through my bedroom wall. If I could stop giggling, it'd be a really nice way to fall asleep.

Back to California tomorrow. I admit to dragging my heels a little bit. It has been invariably terrific to be home and I'm reminded that my brothers are as good as it gets. Particularly now that Sean is cooking so much. And while I'm determined to get home and hit the ground running towards the right path and get stuff done and blah blah blah, I could use another few days just here, writing, yoga-ing, cooking, and sleeping. But I know it's time to go.

In the months ahead, I will report back on the status of my Christmas wish. I expect all of you to keep tabs on your own wishes as well. This means you, Chip.

Posted 12:37 PM by Michelle
I don't know about the rest of you out there in cyber-land, but my Christmas had been something to behold. I'm writing from a brand-spanking-new 14-inch G4 iBook that is 100% mine. Jordana is shuffling rook cards, and the gods are sifting big, fat, white snowflakes from the heavens. (What a visual- all the heathen gods busy making orange rolls, Zeus manning the flour sifter, Aphrodite grating orange rind.) We were out the door to see Return of the King once more when the trip was vetoed in favor of games around the dining room table. Mom is starting to prepare enchilladas, and I am crawling around my computer, trying out all the bells and whistles.

I barely know what to do with myself. This machine is so sleek, so sexy, so absolutely the best possible thing to land in my life (along with my California opportunity) that the only way I could possibly express myself would be to run outside, arms flailing, screaming and jumping up and down. It's simply the coolest ever.

*contented sigh*

Posted 10:47 PM by Michelle
It's Christmas eve, and we always open a present each on Christmas Eve (except the years when there wasn't enough to go 'round) but my family dropped off one by one. Jordi is not well, and then mom disappeared, then Steve, then Sean, and now at almost 2 AM the only ones left are Ian, Tess and I. Santa is most likely on his way, or perhaps already on our roof, impatiently checking his watch and tapping his toe.

I have a world of things to be thankful for as this year draws near the next. I have family, support, and home. I have gifts and opportunities. I was born into the haves as opposed to the have-nots, and I hope to not have a moment when I forget it. But there are things I can do with the rest of the tiime given to me. I feel as though I don't have a mountain to climb, all I need to do is look around and realize I'm already at the top.

Happy Holidays to everyone out there. I hope that you are all lucky and blessed enough to be with people you love. Don't forget to make a Christmas wish. I know, I know, we're all adults here. But you never know. It might work.

Posted 10:22 PM by Michelle
I saw my home today. I was on a walk, here in upstate New York where it was 50 degrees but covered in glistening, melting snow, and I passed the house that has been calling me since my first trip down that road. It is white with black shutters, and this past summer there were workers putting in a new patio. There is a veranda, and the ceiling of the veranda is painted sky blue. There is an addition to the side that looks like a greenhouse, or that was a greenhouse. There are neighbors, but not too close, and the woods close in just behind the back door. What is missing is me. I've never seen people there, other than the construction workers, and though Tessa claims to have seen a woman coming out of the house to talk to the workers, I don't believe it. I think that house is waiting for me, waiting for a time when I would have a small family of my own to fill it. It's not a big house, but it's not small. It's perfect.

I walked by it on my way home as well, and couldn't stop wishing for the chance to walk in the front door. I want to step through, put my keys on the table, light a fire, pour a glass of wine and kiss my daughter on her tiny cheek. Hear the sound of dinner being made. Sit down at my desk to get some work done. People do this very thing all the time. Why, in reference to me, does it sound so extraordinary?

My walk was beautiful, but I have things on my mind that need to be solved, or cleaned up, or cleared, and as I walked I removed layer after layer of fleece, wishing I could shed my thoughts as well. At a particularly intense moment of daydream I saw the house for the second time, and I stopped in my tracks. Why here, specifically? Why this very house, more than any other I've seen upstate, or really, anywhere else? What draws us so strongly to such specifics spots? It's just a house. It represents so much more.

My daydreams are so vivid, so dimensioned and real, and the minute I have them I am sad because my endings are never what happen in real life. Never, not once. I'll daydream about everything from making dinner to moving to Africa and things are never even close to what I imagine in my own little fantasy-ridden mind. I dream also of getting second chances, of being in situations past but at the beginning, and of having the capability of making another choice. Of not doing/saying/writing/believing/hoping the wrong thing. These are the most tortuous because second chances are basically extinct. But this house is different. If I ever live there, it means something has gone terribly right. It means that something unexpected would be around the corner, and that something will beyond my control. My daydreams cannot sabotage the unknown.

Posted 8:39 PM by Michelle
In the aforementioned mediocre yet partly funny Jack Nicholson/Diane Keaton movie, our male hero revisits every woman of his past to 1) say he's sorry and to 2) find out what went wrong. Naturally this only happens after he's "fallen in love" for the "first time in his life". The requisite doors were slammed in his face by fatless vixens, but of course the girl carrying a cello stopped to talk to him. As I watched this most predictable parade, and in the days since, I wondered how many of us have actually done that. How many of us have had the wherewithal, the time, the inclination, and the courage, to go back and talk to our lost loves?

There are many to whom I'd like to say I'm sorry. One would be Joe Maurelli, my first real boyfriend. We met and fell in love, in the beginning of eighth grade, but by Christmas I had dumped him for a seventeen-year-old with a car. To date, he's the best guy I've ever been with, the kindest and sweetest, and our breakup began my pattern of doom. Then, skipping the small stuff, there was Cliff. Cliff and I were probably equal jerks to each other, and I'd love to have a beer with him now. Then Brad, and that whole crowd, and while I'm nostalgic for that year of my life I know that most of my emotional scaring and damage happened there in Basking Ridge, New Jersey.

Skipping around again, I'd have to also apologize to Jonathan. His parents were blue-blood Chinese, and violently disapproved of our union. They went as far as pulling him out of college and taking him around the world to get him away from me. It worked, all to easily. I don't think that Jon really knew what love was- he learned too much from movies- and so I usually thought he was completely full of it, particularly when he was trying to be sincere. Ah, Jonathan. I hope you are somewhere, happily married, with about ten beautiful little babies running at your feet.

Who next, that counts? Radames, you sweet man, I'll obviously never forget you, nor how entirely incompatible we were. Rob? You probably read this blog every now and then. Again, we were both jerks, but there is so much good stuff to remember, too. Matt? Ugh. Okay, so, yeah, I completely fell in love with someone else while we were dating, but you didn't even really like me until I did. I mean this gently, but fair is fair.

And then I got it right. I left Matt for another man, and this one I loved. I loved him through his rages, his ugliness, his brilliance, his pain. I wore him on my sleeve. And he was the absolute worst, of all of them. Wayne, you are not savvy enough to find this blog, and have long ago put me from your mind, but I would never apologize to you. You are the perfect embodiment of what is wrong between men and women, between friends, lovers, between what should and shouldn't happen. No, I wouldn't apologize to you, because for once the only thing I did wrong was stay. What I would do is thank you, oh, god, thank you for leaving me because I was far too sick to leave you.

But this short list leaves out so much, so very many near misses and wishes and should-have-beens and smart choices and utterly stupid actions. Love was so complicated in my past. It seems so simple now.

There are one or two still out there that I'd like to sit with. I'd like to take their face in my hands and say, "I'm sorry. I was lost. I couldn't help it. I cared so deeply and I couldn't control it, but now, I'm sorry. Can we just start over? Can we just grab a beer and be friends and take it from there? Because there was a time when we both thought the other was worth our precious time, so let's just start there and make good of what went bad. What do you say?"

I wonder, searching through my life, if there is anyone out there who wishes they could say these words to me. All I can do is keep hoping that I will choose to do better next time. That, now, is the courage I hope to keep.

Posted 10:16 PM by Michelle
My visit here in New York is flying by. I've already been here six days, and the end is now closer than the beginning. It's good to be away, to get some perspective, even though I've only been in California for two months. A change of scenery always helps. Back in high school, during a particularly horrible week (and that is saying something), my mom sent me to Santa Cruz to have a long weekend with our great friend Ho. Ho was studying something or other at UCSC, but mostly he was enjoying Northern California college life, and the two of us had a fantastic weekend. We screwed around Santa Cruz, saw the ocean, danced to a Brazillian drum group, and ultimately made it possible for me to return to my hellish schedule.

Now make no mistake- my schedule in fair Napa Valley is anything other than hellish. But it's good to take some time away from the place you lay your head. Distance creates clarity and inspiration, at least for me, and I'm looking forward to diving into a number of projects when I return. Thankfully there will no longer be the distraction of the holiday parties. I'm actually going to have to stay home most nights and get some work done.

Tomorrow, Steve, mom and I will drive upstate to the farm, followed the next day by Jordi and Sean. It will be terrific to be up there, but I honestly can't imagine this trip getting any better than it already is. I highly recommend Sean's omelets for breakfast, particularly when breakfast happens at about 11:30 AM and you are still in bed.